Wednesday, June 22, 2016
http://thoughtcatalog.com/ona-abelis/2014/07/21-signs-youre-dating-an-emotionally-unavailable-man/
food for thought?
aiya, sometimes these articles are nice to read and also pretty interesting cos sometimes you can really identify with the experiences of these writers too. And of course, sometimes they also help me to sort of empathise (or at least I try to) with the pains of my current loved one.
but it still doesn't make me feel good sigh...
why did I have to be in the picture at this time?! why couldn't I have met him before he became so afraid to invest in relationships? Why am I only able to have someone who has already given so much of himself and promised so much more (without any prompting at all) to those who came before me and yet is unable to put down all these baggage and past hurts when it comes to being in a relationship with me?
I honestly don't even know whether you are really completely over your past relationships or not. Sometimes I think that harbouring hurt from the past relationships even after so much time has passed, just really makes it seem like you still have not completely let go, and you still can recall how you have loved so hard previously and given so much in the past and how painful it was when it ended. So have you completely moved on or are you still upset by something that happened so many years ago, and still so affected by it that you would be so afraid to love someone else wholeheartedly again?
And I really really dislike myself for being willing to stay in a relationship where I know that I am not getting the full love and investment that matches what you gave the others. And maybe that's why I have thoughts of ending this from time to time. Because, of course, every girl wants to be with a man whom she knows will treasure and cherish her, who sees her as the love of his life, and who would do anything for her just to make her happy and keep her by his side forever.
I'm really not getting this feeling from you... firstly you have never promised me the world, like you did for the rest, and that really hurts. And it hurt even more that you would ask me first what I can promise you, before you would promise me the same. And furthermore, it doesn't even seem like you really want to make me happy...even when you know what would make me happy (things like setting aside time to call) , it takes such tremendous effort and struggle before you would do it (honestly how many disputes and arguments have we ended up having over this already?!) it has come to a point where I really have to wonder if you do it willingly. And I am most definitely appreciative of the fact that you are doing it now, but I honestly will never be able to use this as an example of you trying to make me happy , because you never really had the intention to set aside time to call me right from the start.
I think I take you a bit too seriously sometimes but I'm not sure how seriously you take me. like when you said, "promise me we'll talk everyday even when I'm not here " and I really took it seriously. I'm such an idiot.
and I really did mean what I said about you choosing a career based on our relationship..I am really grateful and touched that you would try so hard to get a job back here, but I think that it should be really based on a desire to come back here because maybe you really want to, and not just because you promised me that you would come back. I wouldn't want it to seem like a situation where I am forcing you to come back. I would really like for it to be more like you want to come back because there is a good reason for you to do so, and you can see very clearly what that reason is.
the kind of promises I hope for are different...it's hard to explain here but something along the lines of letting me know just how much you love me I suppose. Maybe you won't promise me the world, even though you keep telling me that you feel like i am the one for you, and that I am so much better than the rest. I don't know though, I really don't know what to feel or what to hope for sometimes.
I know you keep telling me to stay positive and believe me, I am trying my hardest. But at the end of the day I still find it difficult to understand why I agreed to try this out in the first place. I keep telling myself that I should just hang in there and wait till we can be properly together physically, before I can truly see the full potential of this relationship. maybe...I don't know.
but I also have this feeling that, even if I were really able to just harden my heart and put aside all my love for you, and really just leave, instead of purely saying that i want to do so, I'm honestly not too sure how hard you would want to fight for a chance at saving this relationship.
your lukewarm response the last time around has simply served to reinforce the notion that this relationship is not that necessary in your life anyway. Your email was a good piece of writing in helping me to understand where you are coming from, but it had also expressed to me outright that you're not actually looking for a second chance at this relationship, or a chance to redeem yourself.
which leads me to the question now...what am I still doing here?! why did I voluntarily just go back to this relationship even without any obvious request from you to stay?! I feel so stupid now... and I have to wonder now exactly how much you want this relationship and exactly how much I mean to you.
this decision that I made to stay and keep this relationship...omg. it really makes me so so disappointed in myself sometimes and i really wonder just how worth it this will be. All my time and emotion...I wish I didn't love you that much but unfortunately I do. And that really makes me sad quite often these days everytime I end up thinking and reflecting on these things whenever i have some free time to myself . sigh. stupid stupid girl! :( really wonder if this is gonna be just another example of all the bad decisions that I am constantly making.
Saturday, June 18, 2016
I think I am starting to regret my decision not to leave you again lol... honestly I don't know why I should still be staying...it's not like you begged me to stay, and it's not as if you can't live without me or something. And you didn't even seem that upset at the thought of losing me lol...I guess maybe it doesn't matter much to you whether I leave or not. Or maybe it's just the thought of someone else leaving you again, that makes you sad, rather than the thought of not having me around. I don't know, I really don't.
And come to think of it, all you did was to try to explain your actions in the past. But you didn't even promise me anything until I asked...you've never ever promised to love me, promised to take care of me or be there for me. you've never promised me the world , not like the rest. And the worst is that I had to ask first..these promises didn't come based on your own accord.
you can always promise to come back, but if you do it without giving me your all, or without intending to give me your fullest love and emotional investment, then what is the point??? I might as well have a manikin for a boyfriend then...
I don't even know just how much you love me honestly. And I must be crazy to still decide to stay with you despite feeling this way. And are you even grateful that I chose to stay? I don't even remember hearing a "thanks for giving this another chance" from you. It's as though you really don't care much whether I stay or leave. Either way, I think I surprised myself by staying also lol...I have no idea why I still love you lol. I can be so stupid when it comes to matters of the heart lol..
Dear God, I've always been praying for a good, virtuous guy who will be good to me and love me deeply and wholeheartedly, and maybe if things work out then we can be life partners and soul mates. I don't know if I have already met him but I know You have a plan for me, and I entrust my life and my future to You.
One of my nurses used to always tell me "Dr, you are so so good to people, you will definitely be blessed with a good husband next time." I don't know how she can be so confident of this, but I sure hope so too haha. Anyway, even if it doesn't happen that way, I know all things happen for a reason. Come what may... and I pray for God's guidance as well as the strength to cope with whatever happens in life.
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Sometimes I really feel that I tend to do things against my better judgment lol sigh. Maybe that's why I often end up regretting certain decisions I make. Anyway I hope that I won't regret the decisions I made this year loll.
And I'm sorry for the times I took you forgranted before. I know it's way too late now, but thank you for the love you had shown me and all the little ways in which you made me feel loved and treasured. I hope I will be blessed enough to be with someone who can love me and take care of me like you used to.
Thanks for all the times when you would accompany me home from school, for coming over to visit when I was sick, for helping me tie my shoelaces/tie my hair when my hands were full, for cooking meals and making sandwiches for me, for trying to go to church with me whenever you could, sharing notes with me, never letting me cough up a cent on our dates, catching that pig from the claw machine for me just because I said it was super cute, putting little surprises in my locker from time to time (even going so far as to make friends with the 711 uncle to borrow his fridge so you could store your ice cream surprise for me), comforting me when I was down, telling me that I looked lovely and special (even when really, I think I stuck out like a sore thumb -.- ) at that disastrous social night where I turned up in a colourful dress and everyone else was wearing a normal black dress lol, and so much more...
you were sweet enough to star in a Korean drama, and it was my fault that I never appreciated you enough. I'm really sorry that I ended things with you so suddenly and so harshly. I don't really remember so well anymore all the reasons why I was unhappy with you, because it was so long ago. But anyway, it doesn't matter anymore, and I hope that you are happy where you are now, and you are with someone who loves you in the way that you deserve. (:
